I Thought My Bestie Knew Best.  Spoiler Alert: I Was Wrong.

Recently, my daughter has been asking me for some tricky parenting advice.  Now that my grandson is at that age where he’s starting to make friends on his own, she worries about what he might be learning from them.  Her concerns are valid, and I’ve been more than happy to provide my perspective.  But after a few phone calls, I started to wonder if I was saying too much.  Finally, I called her back and told her that, above all else, she really just needs to trust her gut.  I explained that I wished I had learned sooner to stop taking advice from people at face value and to listen to my intuition more.

Looking back, I can see how this situation really came into play when I first began to wonder if I had a problem with gambling.  In the year leading up to my decision to seek help, I broached the topic a handful of times with a good friend whom I’ll call Goose.  At that time, we had been close friends for about a decade, and she was the only person I felt comfortable discussing such a sensitive issue with.  In fact, I sometimes thought of her as an older sister, something I cherished since my own sister had passed away when I was a child.  Whenever I needed feedback on just about anything, I thought Goose would know best.

Since we spoke so regularly, Goose was the one person who knew how often I was going to the casino and that I was going by myself.  Of course, I was still lying or omitting information, such as how long I had stayed or how much money I had lost.  But over time, as my concerns grew, I started opening up more.  I remember I was driving home from the casino one morning after I’d been there all night trying to win back my losses.  I was wracked with guilt and despair, wondering how I could have been so senseless—yet again. 

That’s when she called to see how my weekend was going.  I told her about how I’d won a jackpot.  Then, for the first time, I continued on telling her that I’d lost it all and then spent more money and the entire night trying to win back what I’d lost.  Without missing a beat, she asked me if I’d had fun.  Surprised, I thought for a few seconds and said that the first half of the night had been very enjoyable.  She proceeded to ask me if I didn’t deserve to have fun now that my kids were grown?  I agreed with her and pushed aside my nagging doubts.   

Whenever I opened up about gambling, she continued to echo the excuses I had been telling myself like

As long as you’re not hurting anyone and you have the money, you can go to the casino as much as you want.

You might have lost this time, but you’ll win next time.

It would be silly not to take advantage of all the free play and other free offers from the casino—that would be like passing up free money!

Your kids are grown, and you have a good job, so you should be able to spend your money however you please. 

Maybe you spent more money than you intended, but you can make up for it next time.

You work hard and have a stressful job, so you shouldn’t beat yourself up if you need to blow off some steam at the casino.

If Goose had shared my concerns or suggested that I seek help or therapy, I don’t know that it would have made a difference.  The first step in recovery, according to Gamblers Anonymous, is admitting we are powerless over gambling and that our lives have become unmanageable.  At that time, I was still trying to keep my fantasy world from crumbling, and Goose played right into the illusion I had created.  If she hadn’t, I might have simply stopped sharing or gone back to lying. 

This life of denial was like chewing a couple of antacids repeatedly to stop acid reflux instead of addressing the root cause of eating greasy food before bedtime.  I was able to carry on with my bad habits while ignoring the ulcer that continued to fester until it eventually tore me up from the inside out.  When I finally admitted my problem and sought help, I had several broken relationships and was on the brink of filing bankruptcy and losing my home.  More importantly, I didn’t like the person I had become.

You may be thinking that Goose wasn’t such a great friend, and I struggled with that idea during my recovery as well.  However, I know she was only acting in what she felt was the most caring and loving manner at the time.  In fact, later when I started recovery, she was one of my biggest supporters.

 Here’s what I’ve finally learned about advice from others:

1. Just because someone cares about me and has my best interest at heart doesn’t necessarily mean they can give me the greatest advice for my particular situation.

2. People bring their own experiences, AKA baggage, into a relationship, and despite their earnest intentions, they may not be truly capable of offering an objective perspective.

3. Feedback from others—even therapists or counselors who are also human and make mistakes—is best taken with a grain of salt in most cases. 

4. I'm learning to trust my inner voice.  In the end, no matter the outcome, at least I can say that after careful consideration, I did what I felt was best.

If you think you may have an issue with compulsive spending or gambling, here are twenty questions that are used in recovery programs to help individuals confirm if they are in the right place:

See compulsive gambling questions here.

See compulsive spending questions here.

Only YOU can decide if you need and are ready to seek support.  But if you’re ready, know that help is available and there are numerous recovery groups.  You can also check out The Leaflet Community here for an online group of likeminded people in financial recovery.  Believe me, you are not alone.